Rooster Rant

In our yard there lives a rooster. A real rooster. But not just any rooster. We have a mentally challenged rooster that is the spawn of Satan himself. At first it was funny. Strange. Amusing. Now it is horrifying. Terrible. Makes me think evil thoughts.

The rooster first appeared in our neighborhood in February. My Dad and I were driving home from Publix and Dad said "Is that a rooster under that car?" as he pointed to the driveway at the end of our street. And yes, yes indeed, it was a rooster...in South Nashville...nowhere near farmland...under a Range Rover. Since that day we have had more than one nighttime temperature below freezing and multiple severe storms, some that caused major damage in neighboring areas. But Satan's Spawn is strong. He remains. He is not one to be brought down by simple acts of nature.

I fed him once, I think in March. I gave the turd some old bread, I didn't invite him to move in. But I think he misunderstood my intentions. For a few months now he has inhabited the magnolia bush that grows two stories high between our house and the neighbor's. And I hate him. I hate him so much that I am rethinking my anti-hunting, anti-gun outlook.

This brings us to the animal's clearly diminished mental capacity. Maybe its just a story we tell our children, that roosters crow when the sun rises. But my stupid rooster starts his cockle-doodle crap at about 3:30 every morning and then, as though he has a snooze button, 'goes off' every 10-20 minutes for a couple of hours. Seriously. Every morning. Right outside my bedroom window. Could it be possible that I am not sleep deprived enough?!? Are you kidding me?

Animal control has been called but they can't catch him. We've tried to chase him away. I no longer put out bird seed. The neighbors trimmed the bush. We talk smack about him all day long. A crazy dude who lives across the street chased the stupid bird for hours trying to hit him with a snow brush...really??? I even tried to run him over with my car. Satan is strong. His spawn is resilient and not easily defeated. And now he is punishing me by pacing on my back fence crowing until his throat his hoarse and pooping all over the swingset. This is not a normal problem to have. My life is entirely too busy and chaotic to deal with this sort of ridiculousness. Fried chicken anyone?

Seriously...there is a rooster in my yard...and I hate him.